Comic genius: Ronnie Barker's best gags

Tuesday October 4, 2005

"The search for the man who terrorises nudist camps with a bacon slicer goes
on. Inspector Lemuel Jones had a tip-off this morning, but hopes to be back
on duty tomorrow."

"Have you heard the one about the retired general who said he had not had
sex since 1956? His friend said, 'That's a long time ago.' 'I don't know,'
the general replied. 'It's only 20.27 now."

A famous Spoonerism from Open All Hours: "Don't just crit their siticising".

To his assistant Granville (David Jason) who is toying nervously with the
cash register in Open All Hours: "Come on, you aren't there to play the
Warsaw Concerto."

As Fletcher in Porridge, when playing monopoly: "Would you Adam and Eve it?
Go to jail!"

Again from Porridge: "What have I learned, Mr Mackay? Three things. One -
bide your time. Two - keep your nose clean. And three - don't let the
bastards grind you down."

"There was a strange happening during a performance of Elgar's Sea Pictures
at a concert hall in Bermuda tonight, when the man playing the triangle
disappeared."

"Next week we'll be investigating rumours that the president of the dairy
council has become a Mason, and goes around giving his colleagues the secret
milkshake."

"We'll continue our investigation into the political beliefs of nudists.
We've already noticed a definite swing to the left."

"The man who invented the zip fastener was today honoured with a lifetime
peerage. He will now be known as the Lord of the Flies."

"The toilets at a local police station have been stolen. Police say they
have nothing to go on."

"In a packed programme tonight we will be talking to an out-of-work
contortionist who says he can no longer make ends meet."

"The prime minister held a meeting with the cabinet today. He also spoke to
the bookcase and argued with the chest of drawers."

"Following the dispute with the domestic servants' union at Buckingham
Palace today, the Queen, a radiant figure in a white silk gown and crimson
robe, swept down the main staircase and through the hall. She then dusted
the cloakroom and vacuumed the lounge."

"The West Drayton man who has kept himself awake every night for 17 years by
snoring has at least found the answer. He's going to sleep in another room."

MediaGuardian.co.uk (c) Guardian Newspapers Limited 2005

Sydneysiders are reeling this morning over news that Al Qaeda has announced
Melbourne as a possible new target of their worldwide campaign to scare the
p*ss out of people.

This is being seen as a major snub in social and political circles of the
2000 Olympic City, and leading Sydneysiders are calling on Al Qaeda to
reconsider their choice of future targets.

The Al Qaeda announcement is also expected to make it even harder for
Sydney politicians to redirect millions of taxpayer dollars from spending
on education, child care and medicines for the elderly to buy CCTV cameras
and other anti-terror related security measures.

"It's terrible news," said one Sydney security specialist who has been
campaigning for the NSW government to spend $100 million on his line of
robot dogs that sniff out bombs concealed in the buttholes of Islamomaniac
poodles.

If Sydneysiders are disappointed by the Al Qaeda snub then Melbournians are
absolutely gloating at the news that hit front pages and headlines around
the world today.

Fashionistas down south claim the Al Qaeda announcement is yet another sign
of just how "cool" Melbourne had become.

Somalian arrives in Manukau City as a new immigrant to New Zealand.

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says,

"Thank you Mr. NewZealandman for letting me in this country!"

But the passer-by says "You are mistaken, I am a Pakistani".

The man goes on and encounters another passer-by.

"Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in New Zealand!"

The person says "I noKiwi. I flom Hong Kong"

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes

his hand and says

"Thank you for the wonderful Kiwiland!"

That person puts up his hand and says "I am from Iran, I am not Kiwi!"

He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously,

"Are you a New Zealand citizen?"

She says, "No, I from Tonga!"

So he is puzzled, and asks her,

"Where are all the New Zealanders?"

The Tongan lady looks at her watch, shrugs, and says...

"Probably at work."

I had heard Colt was in a bit of financial trouble with share prices down, didnt know sales were down so low, with 300million population about 10% gay and stupid and judging by the level of retail advertising the other 70% must be just stupid, it seems entirely logical that 20% need protection.

[name withheld to protect the guilty]

Original Message:
On 9/8/05, Robt Mann wrote:

Please send news releases, etc to:

*Items Web-mounted on Wednesday, 7 September 2005****


Study: 1.7 million children in US live in homes with loaded guns
The first comprehensive survey of gun storage in US homes has
been published in the journal Paediatrics

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.

Lincoln 's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.

Lincoln's secretary, Kennedy, warned him not to go to the theatre. Kennedy's secretary, Lincoln, warned him not to go to Dallas.

Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford.'
Kennedy was shot in a car called ' Lincoln' made by 'Ford.'
Lincoln was shot in a theater and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse.
Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theater.

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.

>In response to which, some wag has coined:

When Kennedy was shot, the car he was riding in was a Lincoln. Lincoln's last name was Lincoln.

Kennedy slept with Marilyn Monroe. Marilyn Monroe was in Some Like it Hot with Jack Lemmon. Jack Lemmon was in JFK, which tells the life story of John F. Kennedy, who was assassinated just like Lincoln.

John Wilkes Booth shot Lincoln in his theater booth. Lee Harvey Oswald shot Kennedy in a motorcade.

"Abraham Lincoln" has 14 letters; "John Fitzgerald Kennedy" has 21 letters; "Assassinate" has 11 letters.

Both men (except Kennedy) were born in log houses.

Lincoln's wife's maiden name was Todd, which (ignoring one of the d's) read backwards, is dot, one of the two symbols used in Morse code, created by Samuel Morse, who invented the telegraph in 1844. Kennedy's wife Jackie married Aristotle Onassis, from Greece, which had a civil war in 1944, exactly 100 years later.

Both Lincoln and Kennedy were succeeded by their Vice-Presidents.

Lincoln's nickname was "Honest Abe." After chopping down his father's cherry tree, Kennedy once said, "I cannot tell a lie."

Lincoln and Kennedy both died of Lou Gehrig's Disease, not from being shot, as is commonly believed.

Both Presidents were assassinated (died of Lou Gehrig's Disease) the same day: October 12, 1979.

Despite DNA testing, a 100-year separation, and overwhelming popular belief, Lincoln and Kennedy were actually the same man.

SACRAMENTO, CA -- Gubernatorial candidate Gary Ashford today in the
state capital launched with power & compassion his campaign to
'straighten out the problem of illegal aliens'.

'Some very confused politicians are suggesting illegal aliens
should be eligible for drivers' licenses' said the burly contender,
48. 'That is a very short-sighted, indeed stupid, idea,' he affirmed
from the buddy-seat of his Screamin' Eagle boosted hawg.

'This nation has never admitted to racism as a basis for
politics, and we must not do so now. We stand against racism. We
hold that it will be best for all legitimate interests if the USA at
last gets serious about illegal aliens. This son of mine at my side
- does it matter whether his mother is from Japan? Should it matter
whether he gets mistaken for a native Mexican, and victimised by
insecure white racists? No; race is not the issue. What is at issue
is, simply, law & order.'

'The only hope for minimizing racism is to insist that
citizens are equal before the law - regardless of race. We have
some way to go, but that is the only correct goal.

'But non-citizens do not, in the real world, in any country,
have rights equal to those of citizens of the nation. The world
today is organised into nation-states, and each of those countries
denies to non-citizens some rights which are guaranteed to its
citizens.

'The USA, notably California, has cynically exploited
illegal immigrants, many from Mexico, as low-paid labour, often in
dirty & dangerous processes. Many stunts have been staged to create
the impression that these 'wetbacks' are not wanted by the federal or
state government on behalf of the owners of agribusiness.

Candidate Ashford brought on - in more senses than one -
singer Joan Baez, who sang as a duet with him W Guthrie's moving
'Deportee'. Mrs Ashford declared gamely that she was sticking to
him. They roared off on his hawg.

Gubernatorial incumbent Beeug Ornie could not be contacted for comment.

--
Robt Mann
Mulgoon Professor emeritus of Environmental Studies, U of Auckland
consultant stirrer & motorcyclist
P O Box 28878, Remuera, Auckland 1005, New Zealand (9) 524 2949 Robt Mann
http://www.kuratrading.com/HTMLArticles/writings.htm

SAN FRANCISCO MAN BECOMES FIRST YANK TO GRASP SIGNIFICANCE OF IRONY

Jay Fullmer, 38, yesterday became the first American to get to grips
with the concept of irony.

"It was weird" Fullmer said. "I was in London and like, talking to
this guy and it was raining and he like, pulled a face and said,
"Great weather eh?" and I thought - "Wait a minute, no way is it
great weather".

Fullmer then realised that the other man's 'mistake' was in fact deliberate.

Fullmer, who is 39 next month and married with two children, aged 8
and 3, plans to use irony himself in future.

"I'm, like, using it all the time" he said.

"Last weekend I was grilling steaks and I burned them and I said
"Hey, great weather!"

School Notes from Arkansas

These are real notes written from parents in an Arkansas school district. (Spellings have been left intact.)

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30,31, 32, and also the 33.

Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating

Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he Fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diahre dyrea direathe the shits. [Highlighted words were crossed out]

Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarr hea and his boots leak.

Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to Attend her funeral.

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

The Internet

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com.

She said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between, to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you which drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)." Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new prosperity and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed he did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates's drumheads and drumsticks.

And seeing it, Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others, and I fear that Job's son Stephen will not be able to pull our fat out of the fire as he did of yore with his fruit of the apple tree."

And as Abraham paddled his way across the water on his log, he looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay" and said, "We need a name that reflects what we are," and Dot replied, Do not worry yourself, my husband. Just log on. We will call our name, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner-Operators."

"YAHOO!", said Abraham.
And that is how it all began.

http://www.cbs.com/latenight/lateshow/top_ten/archive/ls_topten_archive2005/ls_topten_archive_20050725.shtml

Top Ten George W. Bush Solutions For Global Warming

10. NASA mission to turn down the sun's thermostat

9. Federal subsidies to boost production of Cool Ranch Doritos

8. Fast track Rumsfeld's "Colonize Neptune" proposal

7. Convene Blue-Ribbon Committee to explore innovative ways of ignoring the problem

6. Let Hillary worry about it when she takes over

5. I dunno -- tax cuts for the rich?

4. Give the boys at Halliburton 90-billion dollar contract to patch hole in ozone

3. Switch to celsius so scorching 98 becomes frosty 37

2. Keep plenty Bud on ice

1. Invade Antartica

Could be of some use as a joke within a talk - such as are almost _de rigeur_ these days ...

Two South Texas farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favourite bar
drinking beer. Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going
through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the
Community College and sign up for some classes."

Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day Jim goes down to the college and meets the dean of
admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes:

Math, English, History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?"

The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weed eater?"

"Yeah."

"Then logically because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a
yard."

"That's true, I do have a yard."

"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically
that you would have a house."

"Yes, I do have a house."

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a
family."

"I have a family."

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have
a wife."

"Yes, I do have a wife."

"And because you have a wife, then logically you must be a heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of
that because I have a weed eater."

Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the dean's hand and leaves to go
meet Bob at the bar.

He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for math, English,
history, and logic.

"Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?"

Jim says, "I'll show you. Do you have a weed eater?"

"No."

"Then dammit, you're gay."

THE GLASS WALL OF MEDIA COVERAGE

SAM SMITH
Undernews
June 21, 2005

Dana Milbank's snotty attack on critics of White House behavior as revealed
in the Downing Street memos illuminates a carefully concealed truth about
the media: its definition of objectivity stops at the edge of anything left
of center. Standard Democratic policy is okay, even a liberal quote or
two, but anything further to the left is simply excluded from coverage
unless --- as in Milbank's case --- it is there to ridicule.

Milbank's dislike for the left began long ago and writes of it in a style
that might be called unmaturated preppie. For example, in September 2000
the Washington Post reporter said one of the presidential candidates, Ralph
Nader, that his "only enemy is the corporation." Skull & Bonesman Milbank
also described Greens as "radical activists in sandals."

Since your editor was soon to speak with Nader at an event in Washington, I
brought along a pair of sandals so Milbank's description would not be
totally false. Of course, he didn't show up because Nader and the Greens
fell into that classic media category: important enough to scorn but not
important enough to cover.

Being among the last progressive journalists in the capital I am conscious
of the massive disinterest of the rest of the media in anything left of
center. When I started in 1964, my work was appealing enough to mainstream
journalism to be offered jobs at the New York Times and the Washington
Post. I was frequently called by journalists wanting to know what was
going on in the civil rights or anti-war movement.

These calls were seldom hostile: the left was a reality that needed to be
covered and even the Post had some good reporters on the case. I tried,
then as now, to serve as an helpful interpreter rather than as a rhetorical
advocate and even developed a few friends along the way.

But these days I rarely get calls from the conventional media. Jim
Ridgeway of the Village Voice, down the hall from my office, reports a
similar phenomenon. Two guys with decades of history and background about
progressive politics that is considered totally irrelevant by establishment
Washington. The left, progressive movements, and social change are simply
not thought to be worthy subjects by the corporate media --- or by NPR for
that matter.

Being a stat freak, I have some proof of this. I keep a record of every
interview or call from a journalist. In the early 1990s the number of these
calls began to increase, peaking in 1998 at 98 for the year. The following
year, the calls dropped by a third, in part, I suspect, because I had been
included (among a number of others) in the Clinton do-not-call list given
to friendly reporters.

(I had already been blacklisted by CSPAN and banned from the local NPR
morning show). By 2001 --- with the inauguration of a GOP president ---
the calls were down two-thirds from three years earlier, dropping to a mere
16 last year.

This is only a minor example of a major phenomenon. Every day, for
example, I check about 75 websites. From the NY Times to Wonkette, the
left is considered just not worth mentioning.

Worse, the exception is that it is generally presumed amongst the media
that progressive are fair targets for mockery. In a recent article in the
faux hip Vanity Fair on Jeff Gannon, David Margolik and Richard Gooding
offered as a positive that Gannon "balanced off some of the left-wingers in
the room such as Russell Mokhiber, editor of the Corporate Crime Reporter,
and a Naderite, who once asked McCellan whether, given the administration's
support for the public display of the Ten commandments, President Bush
believed that the commandment 'Thou shalt not kill' applied to the U.S.
invasion of Iraq."

The fact that the authors considered that a stupid question tells much
about the sorry state of Washington journalism. Further, Russell Mokhiber
often tells more important truths in one column than Vanity Fair does in a
whole issue.

The trend is also confirmed by Harry Jaffe of the Washingtonian who has
published a list of a score of political blogs that DC journalists like.
Not one is to the left of Democratic Party liberalism, which these days
means saying, "right on" to whatever conservative Democrat is in charge.
Of the 20 sites, only two are on my list --- the libertarian Hit & Run and
the poll-heavy Real Politics. The common characteristic of many of the
others is their utter predictability.

Put simply, the media doesn't like the left, social change, Greens, or
progressive thought. It deals with them by ignoring them or mocking them,
in either case excluding them from its own perverted definition of
objectivity.

. . . AND THEN THERE WAS ONE !!!

ART BUCHWALD
Washington Post
1977

Editors Note: In 1977 Washington Post columnist, political commentator and
humorist Art Buchwald fashioned a scenario in one of his columns whereby
two corporations --- Samson Securities and Delilah Company --- sought
permission from the U.S Department of Justice's Antitrust Division to
merge.

At the time Samson owned everything east of the Mississippi River and
Delilah owned everything west of the great river. Initially the DofJ
expressed reservations about allowing the only two corporations left in the
U.S. to merge.

Buchwald continues:

"`Our department,' he said, `will take a close look at this proposed
merger. It is our job to further competition in private business and
industry, and if we allow Samson and Delilah to merge we may be doing the
consumer a disservice.'

"The chairman of Samson protested vigorously that merging with Delilah
would not stifle competition, but would help it. `The public will be the
true beneficiary of this merger,' he said. `The larger we are, the more
services we can perform, and the lower prices we can charge.'

"The president of Delilah backed him up. `In the Communist system the
people don't have a choice. They must buy from the state. In our
capitalistic society the people can buy from either the Samson Company or
the Delilah Company.'

"`But if merge,' someone pointed out, `there will be only one company left
in the United States.'

"`Exactly,' said the president of Delilah. `Thank God for the free
enterprise system.'

"The Antitrust Division of the Justice Department studied the merger for
months. Finally the Attorney General made his ruling. `While we find
drawbacks to only one company being left in the United Sates, we feel the
advantages to the public far outweigh the disadvantages.'

"`Therefore, we're making an exception in this case and allowing Samson and
Delilah to merge.'

"`I would also like to announce that the Samson and Delilah Company is now
negotiating at the White House with the President to buy the United States.
The Justice Department will naturally study this merger to see if it
violates any of our strong antitrust laws.'"

>Buffets (Warren & Jimmy) Buy Pitcairn Island, Open Cheeseburger in
>Paradise Restaurant

>Written by stan [ one of R. Fl. Hudson's pro-Pitcairn email pals;
>a USN propulsion design engr]
>
>Jimmy Buffett serves the first burger from the Pitcairn Island
>Cheeseburger in Paradise restaurant to Warren Buffett. Special to the Wall
>Street Journal.

The world's second richest man, Warren Buffet - US$44B, announced the
opening of his latest acquisition, a new Cheeseburger in Paradise
Restaurant on Pitcairn Island (Mutiny on the Bounty), an island he recently
purchased from Britain for an estimated $26M, including all 40 residents.
He is the third American, along with Mel Gibson and Clark Gable, to
purchase islands in the area. His nephew, Jimmy, a self-admitted itinerant
beach bum tropical island balladeer will be "flipping the burgers" while
completing his night class, How to Play the Guitar 101, at the local
Pitcairn Island community college.

>The senior Buffet, 74, said this is all part of fulfilling his Pitcairn
>Island ancestor's (John Buffet's) dream. John Buffet was obsessed with a
>simple dream. He always wanted to move to a romantic remote South Pacific
>Island, among freewheeling sailor mutineer/pirates, open a burger stand
>and become the world's richest man. In 1823 he left his shipyard job and
>moved to Pitcairn Island. There he met his greatest challenge. The local
>Seventh Day Adventist Missionary refused to let John open his burger stand
>because of strict SDA dietary religious doctrine. After 33 years of
>fighting the church, John led all 161 residents to join him in 1856 in
>moving to another island, called Norfolk, so he could realize his dream.
>Sadly, John Buffet died before fulfilling his dream. Six generations
>later, that dream is still alive in his direct descendant Warren, and
>Jimmy Buffet his nephew.
>" I have now moved to Paradise Island and opened a burger joint, as
>PA-PA-PA-PA John wished, but I'm still not the world's richest man. I
>slaved and made $3B last year and Bill Gates, a computer programmer, lost
>$1.5B, but he still has $2.5B more than me ($46.5B)," he complained.
>When asked what he would do if the Cheeseburger in Paradise Restaurant on
>Pitcairn Island failed, he replied: "Simple. I'd sell Pitcairn Island to
>the French to be used in their Nuke test program. They've sunk all of the
>other islands around. It would only quadruple my investment, but business
>is business. How do you think I became the world's second richest man
>anyhow - by trying to de-bug Windows 98®?"

A U.S. businessman friend of mine reacted to that latest raft of
RSNZ teasers with the following imaginative futuristic version.

*Items Web-mounted on Wednesday, April 13, 2025****


1. Researchers have found that the major conversion to meat and milk from
cloned animals has caused premature aging in human consumers.

IT proprietors AgResearch® deny causal involvement, liability.

2. Severe diarrhea continues to plague the billion urban Chinese and ALL
exports of food products have been banned.

Japanese biotech corporation Showa Denko has denied that one of its
gene-gentled bacteria which had gotten loose is causing the debilitating
condition. Pres. Chaney has announced a multi-billion-dollar USAID
contract granted to private corporation Bechtel of San Francisco to expand
Chinese cities' sewage plants.

3. Another biohazard quarantine has been placed on New Zealand owing to
unmonitored mutant virus from research labs there.

IT proprietors AgResearch® deny causal involvement, liability.

4. Mutations of Ebola virus, designated Ebola-8e, are responsible for the
pandemic spreading across the European continent.

The Wistar Institute of Philadelphia, accused by fringe groups such
as Greepneace of creating the mutant virus, has not only denied causal
involvement, liability but also been given a multi-billion-dollar contract
to research treatments for the promptly lethal viral infection.

5. Embryonic stem cell harvesting has hit an estimated US$15 Billion on
the black market and shows no sign of abating.

California citizens' initiative 10632 will give voters at the next
election the option of withdrawing the subsidies to this trade begun by a
deceptive Citizens' Initiative in 2004.

6. Since the incubation period of Mad Cow disease can take 10-25 years,
the heretofore denial of the existence of Mad Cow disease in the U.S.A. has
hit home with over 25,000 reported cases in the first six months of 2025
alone.

GM-cows resistant to prion diseases are to be developed by a
multi-billion-dollar contract from the USA FDA to GM-aces AgResearch® of
New Zealand on a further grant from the NZ Govt. Asked by reporters
whether they admitted causal involvement in the USA epidemic, AgResearch®
PR operatives declined to comment, saying this information is commercially
sensitive.

7. A GM-soybean developed to grow hair has "accidentally" been introduced
in the school lunch program. It is reported that third- and
fourth-graders have been growing copious body hair. GM conglomerate
SynAgGenVentria® deny causal involvement, liability; may fund research on
psychological advantages of the hirsudity.

8. A Caucasian genetic researcher has traced his ancestry to a black
Nigerian family.

"Those mid-C20 Germans may have indicated unworkability of the
concept 'race' as a basis for politics", said a USFDA official who did not
wish to be named.

9. Nanites have established a beachhead in the Antarctic where it was
thought they could be safely contained.

The "nucular" option is being considered, according to a source
close to Pres. Chaney. Prompted with the "I told you so" reaction, King
Charles III declined to comment.

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take
any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing
one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners:

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you
realize it was your money to start with.
2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly
3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright
ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign
of breaking down in the near future.
4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
getting laid.
5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject
financially impotent for an indefinite period.
6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person
who doesn't get it.
8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really
bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a
serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they
come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've
accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your
bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the
fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:
18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

BRITISH HUMORIST JOHN
CLEESE OUTLINES 14-POINT
PLAN FOR REVOCATION OF
THE COLONIES INDEPENDENCE

JOHN CLEESE
True Blue

To the citizens of the United States of America, in light of your failure
to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we
hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II resumes monarchical duties over
all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she
does not fancy.

Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.8%
of you who have, until now, been unaware there's a world outside your
borders) will appoint a Minister for America. Congress and the Senate are
disbanded. A questionnaire circulated next year will determine whether any
of you noticed.

To aid your transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules
are introduced with immediate effect:

1. Look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Check "aluminium"
in the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you
pronounce it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour'
and 'neighbour'. Likewise you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without
skipping half the letters. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to
acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary."

Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
"like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. Look up "interspersed." There will be no more 'bleeps' in
the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language
then you should not have chat shows.

2. There is no such thing as "U.S. English." We'll let Microsoft know on
your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account
of the reinstated letter 'u'.

3. You should learn to distinguish English and Australian accents. It
really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney,
upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). Scottish dramas such as
'Taggart' will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.You must learn that
there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is
"Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will
become "shires" e.g. Texasshire Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",
but only after fully carrying out task 1.

5. You should stop playing American "football." There's only one kind of
football. What you call American "football" is not a very good game. The
2.1% of you aware there is a world outside your borders may have noticed no
one else plays "American" football. You should instead play proper
football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. Those
of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is
similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest
every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).

You should stop playing baseball. It's not reasonable to host an event
called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of
America. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game
called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team stripe, oversized
gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

6. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns, or anything more
dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because you are not sensible
enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you need a permit to carry a
vegetable peeler.

7. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new
national holiday. It will be called "Indecisive Day."

8. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your
own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
start driving on the left. At the same time, you will go metric without the
benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you
understand the British sense of humour.

9. Learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not
real chips. Fries aren't French, they're Belgian though 97.8% of you
(including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a
country called Belgium. Potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real
chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment
to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.

10. The cold tasteless stuff you call beer is actually lager. Only proper
British Bitter will be referred to as "beer." Substances once known as
"American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's
Urine," except for the product of the American Budweiser company which will
be called "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine." This will allow true Budweiser
(as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be
sold without risk of confusion.

11. The UK will harmonise petrol prices (or "Gasoline," as you will be
permitted to keep calling it) for those of the former USA, adopting UK
petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon, get used to it).

12. Learn to resolve personal issues without guns, lawyers or therapists.
That you need many lawyers and therapists shows you're not adult enough to
be independent. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing
someone or speaking to a therapist, you're not grown up enough to handle a
gun.

13. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

14. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly
to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation.

* John Cleese

[Basil Fawlty, Fawlty Towers, Torquay, Devon, England

A man walked in the Women's Department of Macy's in New York City. He tells the sales person, "I would like a Jewish bra for my wife, size 34B."

With a quizzical look the sales person asked, "What kind of bra??"

He repeated, "A Jewish bra - she said to tell you that she wanted a Jewish bra and that you would know what she wanted."

"Ah, now I remember," the sales lady replied. "We don't get as many requests for them as we used to. Mostly our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian type."

Confused, and a bit flustered, the man asked, "So, what are the differences?"

The lady behind the counter responded, "It's really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army lifts the fallen, and the Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright."

He mused on that information for a minute, then asked, "So what is the Jewish type for?"

"They," she replied, "make mountains out of molehills."

Just in case you ever got the two mixed up. This should make things a bit clearer.

IN PRISON... you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.

IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK...you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family.

IN PRISON...the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required.
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON...you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...they are called managers

Have a Great Day at WORK!!

Once again, The Washington Post has published its annual
word-definition contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate
meanings for various words. And the winners are . . .

1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly
answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.), the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you
are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a
proctologist immediately before he examines you.

13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish
expressions.

14. Pokemon (n), a Jamaican proctologist.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), the belief that when you die your soul goes
up on the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

Politically Correct Holiday Greetings

"Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for
an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress,
non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday,
practiced [sic] within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious
persuasion
of your choice, or the secular practices of your choice, with respect for
the religious or secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their
choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

"May you have a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically
uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar
year 2005, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of
other cultures whose contributions to society have helped to make the
World great and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical
ability, religious faith, political belief, choice of computer platform,
or sexual preference of the wishee.

"By accepting this greeting you are accepting these terms. This greeting
is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with
no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the
wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for herself or himself or
others, is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole
discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected
within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or
until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes
first, and the warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or
issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher."

!!!Cultural Stereotype Warning!!!

God went to the Arabs and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make
your lives better.

And the Arabs asked, "What are Commandments?"

And the Lord said, "They are rules for living."

"Can you give us an example?"

"Thou shalt not kill."

"Not kill? We're not interested."

So he went to the Blacks and said, "I have Commandments." And the Blacks
wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Honor thy Father and Mother."

"Father? We don't know who our fathers are."

So He went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments." And the
Mexicans wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not steal."

"Not steal? We're not interested."

He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments." The French wanted an
example and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not commit adultery."

"Not commit adultery? We're not interested".

He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments."

"Commandments?" they said, "How much are they?"

"They're free."

"We'll take 10."

Subject: A Kiwi Christmas...

'Twas the Night before Xmas and all through the bach

Not even a weta was making a scratch

Woolly socks were hung by the pot belly with care

In the hopes that Santa soon would be there

The children were snoozing in a light summer's breeze

Whilst dreaming of spongy pud and lime-green cream freeze

And dad in his walk shorts and me in my jandals

Had just settled down for a couple of handles

When out on the lawn I heard such a ruckus

I sprang from my Lazy Boy to see what the fuss was

I ran to the sliding door, gasping and wheezing

Threw open the curtains and upped the venetians

The moon on the sand and the Trailer tarp

Lit the beach up just like Eden Park

But still when I saw, I thought I was asleep

A miniature Kingswood, pulled by eight tiny sheep

With a little old driver, sipping a Fanta

I knew in a moment, it had to be Santa

Faster than Phar Lap on steroids they came

And he coo-eed and shouted and called them by name

Now, Kevin! now, Sharlene! now, Rangi and Beck!

On, Darryl! On Shazza! on, Bilbo and Shrek!

To the top of the Pagoda, to the top of the wall

Get in behind, Get in behind, Get in behind, All!

As sandflies around a bar-b-que fly

When they sniff the sizzlers and take to the sky

So up to the top of the bach they flew

With a boot full of toys and Santa Claus too

With a handbrake stop, they arrived on the roof

Four Goodyear tyres and 32 hoofs

And as I quickly turned and ran to the lounge

Out from the chimney Santa came with a bound

He was wearing boardshorts, and gumboots on foot

And his Mambos were covered in six-month-old soot

A bundle of toys he had on his back

As if on OE with a brand new Macpac

He looked like he'd come from the beauty parlour

With rosy red cheeks like pohutakawa

A gorgeous big grin and white as white hair

With wee little tufts growing out of his ears

He had a broad chest and a round beer gut

That shook when he laughed like Jabba the Hutt

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly hobbit

And I laughed when I saw him, I couldn't stop it

He gave me a wink and a bonza thumbs up

And I quickly realised he wasn't a nut

He went straight to the socks without saying a thing

And filled them with barbies and Shrek 2 keyrings

Then giving his nose a jolly good scratch

He flew up the chimney with an almighty flash

He jumped in the Kingswood and cranked the ignition

And then they took off, like some NASA mission

But I think I could hear, as he drove out of sight

"Merry Christmas to all, have a bloody good night!"

DEMOCRATIC

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.


REPUBLICAN

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?


SOCIALIST

You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.


COMMUNIST

You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.


CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.


DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.
The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to
support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was
a gift from your government.


BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one,
milk the other, and then pour the milk down the drain.


AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are
surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the
analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.


FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.


JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary
cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.


GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give
excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.



ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.


RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really
have.


TALIBAN CORPORATION

You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the
hospital.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to
find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.


IRAQI CORPORATION

You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.


BELGIAN CORPORATION

You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.


FLORIDA CORPORATION

You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best
accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you
think is the best-looking cow.


CALIFORNIA CORPORATION

You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegals.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

To the citizens of the United States of America,

In the light of your failure to elect a suitable President of the USA
and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation
of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen
Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states,
commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not
fancy.
Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair - PM, for
the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world
outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the
need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any
of you noticed. To aid the transition to a British Crown Dependency,
the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. Ditto
"advertisement". You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been
pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as
'favour' and 'neighbour'; skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than
laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut'
without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with
the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will
be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh
is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell
Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.
Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look
up "vocabulary". Using the same 27 words interspersed with
filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and
inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will
be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old
enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows.
When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use
bad language so often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know
on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.
It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney,
upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in 'Frasier'). You will also have
to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as
"Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're
talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as
Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you
persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become
"shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to
play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly"
or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy
American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional
political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The
Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you
to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind
of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very
good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside
your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American"
football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead
play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with
the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in
time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American
"football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty
seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping
to get together at least a USA rugby sevens side by 2005.
You should stop playing baseball. It is not
reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which
is scarcely played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware
that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is
understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a
girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team
strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons
if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that
there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky.
The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for
"Shit". You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no
longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public
than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible
enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit
if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive
Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for
your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what
we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You
will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time,
you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of
conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand
the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian
though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in
Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you
insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips
are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to
chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be
trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to
all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to
be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all - it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter
will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted
provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly
known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen
Knat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American
Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak
Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as
manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be
sold without risk of confusion.

13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as
you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices
with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the
former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices
(roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns
should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort
things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're
not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly
to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your cooperation.

The People of Britain.

This has got to be one of the
cleverest E-mails I've received in a while.
Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at
Scrabble.
(wait till you see the last one)!

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:
When you rearrange the letters
(With no letters left over and using each letter only once):
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay
too much time on their hands!

http://www.utopiasw.demon.co.uk/emoticon.html

Emoticons

An emoticon (also known as a "smiley") is a symbol composed of a few text
characters, and used as a kind of emotional shorthand to add meaning to a
message. For example, an emoticon may be used at the end of a comment to
indicate that the comment was not intended to be taken seriously. Most
emoticons are designed to be interpreted with the viewer's head tilted over
to the left.

A huge number of emoticons have been devised, but it is probably best to
keep to the first eight categories in the list shown below. The last three
emoticons in the list are just examples of some of the strange ones that
people have created.

EmoticonInterpretation

:-> :>

Smiling, happy faces;
showing happiness, or for comments not intended to be taken seriously.

:-< :<

Sad, disappointed faces.

;-> ;>

Winking happy faces; for comments said tongue-in-cheek.

:-p

Faces with tongues stuck out at you.

B-) B)

Smiling faces from someone who wears glasses or sunglasses,
or has a wide-eyed look.

The "glasses" can also be used in the emoticons: 8-( 8-p

>

A devil with a grin; for those devilish remarks.

O

An angel with a halo; for those innocent remarks.

<

Wearing a dunce's cap; for those stupid questions.

m(_ _)m

Deep bow used for apologizing or expressing thanks (viewed from the front).

<<<<(

The message is from a hat seller.

%-^

The message is from a Pablo Picasso fan.

Copyright © Richard Hanson, 1996-8

---

http://www.randomhouse.com/features/davebarry/emoticon.html

Using Internet "Shorthand"

How You Can Be Just As Original As Everybody Else

As a new person or "newbie" on the Internet, you'll probably be struck
by the fact that a lot of the messages contain odd-looking words and
punctuation. This is a kind of "shorthand" that Internet users have
developed so they can express certain thoughts and emotions without wasting
valuable time typing them out.

Emoticons are a very clever use of standard punctuation marks to express a
human emotion. Here's how they work.

Suppose you're typing a statement such as:

I am feeling happy

The problem with this is, the reader cannot be absolutely, 100 percent
sure what emotion you're feeling when you type this. So at the end of the
sentence, you type a colon ( followed by a closing parentheses ()). Now
your sentence looks like this:

I am feeling happy

See the difference?

USEFUL INTERNET EMOTICONS
EMOTICON MEANING
Happy person
Sad person
Happy person with a nose
Sad person with a nose
:---( Person who is sad because he or she has a large nose
Person who is sad because he or she has a large fish for a nose
Person laughing
* Person laughing so hard that he or she does not notice that a 5-legged spider is hanging from his or her lip
Person unsure of which long-distance company to choose
>-(&) Person just realizing that he or she has a tapeworm
Person winking
.-) Person who can still smile despite losing an eyeball
:-0WW Person vomiting a series of Slim Jims
:-Q Person who just had cybersex and is now enjoying a post-coital cybercigarette
>:-Q -... Person who was enjoying a post-coital cigarette until he suddenly noticed, to his alarm, that there is some kind of discharge dribbling from his cybermember
:-{8 Person who is unhappy with the results of her breast-enlargement surgery
:V Person who cannot figure out why nobody wants to talk to him or her, little suspecting that there is an alligator on his or her head
~oE] Fisherperson heading for market with a basket on his or her head containing a three-legged octopus that is giving off smell rays
>:-[ -{9 Person who is none too pleased to be giving birth to a squirrel

Home Gun owner stats - - - - compared to:

PHYSICIANS:
a. The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.

b. Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.

c. Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171.

(Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept. of Health & Human Services)

Now think about this:

GUNS:

a. The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000.

b. The number of accidental gun deaths per year (all age groups) is
1,500.

c. The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is 0.000188.

Statistically, doctors are 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

Remember, "Guns don't kill people, doctors do"

FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT
ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban
doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!

Out of concern for the public at large, I have withheld the statistics
on lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek
medical attention.

An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the
level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements.
After a while, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and
escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him. One day God called to Satan
to mock him, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?" Satan replied, "Hey,
things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and
escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up
with next."

God was surprised, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He
should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up
here."

"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him."
God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!" Satan laughed and
answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?

1. When his .38-caliber revolver failed to fire at its intended
victim during a holdup in Long Beach, California, robber James Elliot did
something that can only inspire wonder: he peered down the barrel and
tried the trigger again. Happily for most concerned, this time it worked.

2. Laborer Alexander Robinson of Mobile, Alabama, redefined the limits
of tactlessness when he opened his eyes after surgery to restore his sight
and said agreeably to his wife: 'Boy, you sure have got fat in four years.'

3. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting
machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his
insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its
men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a
finger. The chef's claim was approved.

4. Mourners at the funeral of Anna Bochinsky in Moinesti, Rumania, were
naturally somewhat taken aback when she abruptly leapt from her coffin as
it was being carried to the grave. Before they could react to this
unexpected outburst, the woman bounded into the nearest road, where she was
run over and killed by a passing car.

5. An American tourist in South America had the misfortune to be
attacked by killer bees as he stood on the bank of the Amazon. Seeking
refuge, he leapt into the river - and was devoured by piranha fish.

6. A Malaysian monkey that had been trained to gather coconuts from
trees demonstrated a pressing need for a refresher course when it leapt
onto the shoulders of a passerby in Kuala Lumpur and tried to twist his
head off. The passerby was treated at a local hospital for a sprained neck.

7. In Fort Lauderdale, Florida, a sixteen-year-old youth was charged
with beating up his fifteen-year-old wife after the latter hid the caps to
his toy pistol.

8. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car
during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had
taken the space. Understandably, he shot her dead.

9. One of the criteria by which Miss Nude USA was chosen in 1979 was taste
in clothing.

10. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver
found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from
Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the
driver went to a nearby bus-stop and offered everyone in the queue a free
ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling
staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.
The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

11. In Minneapolis, USA, 28 year old Derrick L Richardson has been
charged with third-degree murder of his much loved cousin, Ken E.
Richardson. According to local police, Derrick had suggested to Ken that
they play a game of Russian Roulette, but, having no revolver, instead put
a semiautomatic pistol to his cousin's head. Apparently, he did not
realize that one bullet always loads into the firing chamber of a
semiautomatic.

12. Texan prisons have banned convicts on death row from having a last
cigarette, on the grounds that it is bad for their health. However, to
compensate for this, condemned men will instead be permitted to chew a
stick of celery.

13. An American teenager was in hospital yesterday recovering from
serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked about how
he received the injuries, the lad told the police that he was simply trying
to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

14. Thrash-happy judges in Saudi Arabia have sentenced a Filipino man to
75 lashes for possession of alcohol - after he was caught with two liqueur
chocolates at an airport.

15. Following the initiatives of the Afghan Taliban government - which
has banned kite-flying, TV watching, and the wearing of white socks - Iran
is also cracking down on its more decadent citizens. Ayatollah Mohammed
Yadzi has decreed that dog walking is to be made illegal, saying that
taking dogs out onto the streets was 'a public insult,' as it is a blind
imitation of Westerners. .

16. A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an
examination to determine the cause of her daughters swollen abdomen. It
only took the doctor about 2 minutes to say "Gimmee a break lady! Your
daughter is pregnant." The mother turned red with fury and she argued with
the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her
reputation by having sex with a boy. The doctor faced the window and
silently watched the horizon. The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit
looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?" "Yes, of course
I am paying attention ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a
star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they
would show up again and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant."

To everybody


It appears, in these litigious days, that one cannot be too careful.
Hence the somewhat formal expression of greetings, as follows:

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit our best wishes for
an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress,
non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday,
practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion
of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the
religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice
not to practice religious or secular traditions at all . . .

And a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically
uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar
year 2004, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other
cultures whose contributions to society have helped make New Zealand great,
(not to imply that New Zealand is necessarily greater than any other
country or is the only "New Zealand" in the western hemisphere), and
without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious
faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishees.

(By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting
is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with
no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher
to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is
void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of
the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual
application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance
of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is
limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole
discretion of the wisher.)

This greeting is intended only for the person(s) or entity (entities) to
whom it is addressed. The information it contains may be classified as IN
CONFIDENCE and may be legally privileged. If you are not the intended
recipient any use, disclosure or copying of the message or attachment(s) is
strictly prohibited. If you have received this message in error please
notify us immediately and destroy it and any attachment(s). Thank you. I
accept no responsibility for changes made to this message or to any
attachment(s), after transmission.

Subject to all of the above - CHEERS !!!!!!!!

Teaching Math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His
cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

Teaching math in 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His
cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1970: A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M"
of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one
dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M". The set
"C", the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set "M."
Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the following
question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" for profits?

Teaching Math in 1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. Her
cost of production is $80 and her profit is $20. Your assignment:
Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math in 1990: By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger
makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for
class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds
and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong
answers.

Teaching Math in 1996: By laying off 40% of its loggers, a company improves
its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the
CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80? Assume capital gains are
no longer taxed, because this encourages investment.

Teaching Math in 1997: A company outsources all of its loggers. The firm
saves on benefits, and when demand for its product is down, the logging
work force can easily be cut back. The average logger employed by the
company earned $50,000, had three weeks vacation, a nice retirement plan
and medical insurance. The contracted logger charges $50 an hour. Was
outsourcing a good move?

Teaching Math in 1998: A laid-off logger with four kids at home and a
ridiculous alimony due to his first wife comes into the logging-company
corporate offices and goes postal, mowing down 16 executives and a couple
secretaries, and gets lucky when he nails a politician on the premises
collecting his kickback. Was outsourcing the loggers a good move for the
company?

Teaching Math in 1999: A laid-off logger serving time in Folsom for blowing
away several people is being trained as a COBOL programmer in order to work
on Y2K projects. What is the probability that the computer-controlled cell
doors will open on their own as of 00:01, 01/01/2000?

Teaching Math in 2002: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His
cost of production is $120. How does Arthur Andersen Corp determine that
his profit margin is $60?